Enough, As I Am

I am rebellious by nature. I've always been, and I probably always will be.

What this means to me is that I don't like doing what everyone else is doing just to abide by the rules, or for the sake of not being judged, or because of some deep need to belong to a pack. If something doesn't sit right with me, I won't do it just because it's what's expected. I'd rather stand apart and be questioned than fall in line and lose myself. And if I'm curious about it, I'll ask questions and if they don't get answered, I'll go and search for the answers myself.

Growing up, I never quite understood why I had to do what I was told. And the more I chose not to listen, the more I was punished for it, both at home and at school. I was seen as a problematic student right around the age of 11, just because I laughed a lot and found so much amusing. What makes this so bad? Beats me. However, in the conventional education system, especially in Asia, being different simply means you're not a good student, especially if you possess some kind of wacky traits like I did.

I was told this many times, that I was a lost cause, not doing enough, not working hard enough. And this, I believe, is most people's struggle when it comes to feeling enough throughout life. Who sets these standards in the first place? That achieving is how we determine our worth. That this is how we validate how significant we are. That simply being who we are, authentically, would only lead to shaming and punishing.

Things got a bit easier when I moved back to the UK for boarding school. But then, in the end, I also chose to silence my voice — my inner clown, that curious explorer who wanted to learn, question and understand everything. This was partly to do with feeling different, being one of the few Asians in class. And partly the conditioning that had already taken root in me, that made me feel too inadequate to have a voice. The limiting belief had been formed. The environmental factors no longer needed to play a role in it; I was now creating my own limited reality all by myself.

But what's really changed is that despite always having this rebellious side, I also felt the need to fit in, especially in my teenage years. I desperately wanted validation and approval, and the more I tried to do things to appease others and move away from what truly felt right for me, the more I stepped away from the joy and pleasure that life brings. It was only as I got older that I really started not following the status quo. Yet deep within me, I still felt alienated, or not accepted — something I couldn't fully make peace with.

It's in recent years that I've truly started to embrace this side of me wholeheartedly, and let it shine, without worrying about what others think.

Fast forward to where I am now. There are still times when this old narrative wants to take over, but what makes it different now is that I am completely aware of it when it happens, and I know exactly what to do to redirect my attention — to choose not to entertain those self-defeating thoughts. Bear in mind, this comes with practice. And to this day I'm still practising. It hasn't quite become an automatic response yet.

So when people tell me, you should be doing this or that for your book, you should be doing this or that to expand your business — all I want to say is: I am enough. I'm doing enough. I have enough. I'm just here, following my passion and joy, while helping others in the process along the way. Perhaps it's this rebel in me that makes me so sure of it: just because other people are doing things a certain way, it doesn't mean I have to do the same, especially if it doesn't delight my soul.